In an age of rising incivility, governing has become increasingly difficult. Public officials face harassment, threats, and institutional paralysis, and the temptation to respond in kind—to meet hostility with hostility—is stronger than ever. But when leaders abandon principle for gain, they don’t restore order; they deepen the chaos.
This is where true civility comes in—not as a nicety, but as the strategic foundation of effective governance. It is what allows communities to function, keeps debate constructive, and enables leaders to make tough decisions while maintaining public trust.
Read more or listen to audio below.
Civility is not Niceness—It's Leadership
This was a central theme in my recent conversation on the How to Really Run a City podcast with Philadelphia Citizen co-founder and editor Larry Platt and former Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter and Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed.
We discussed the civic consequences of rising incivility, how hostility in public life is affecting governance, and what it takes to push back without losing the principles that make governance possible.
A key point I highlighted in our discussion was that civility is not niceness—it is not about simply being agreeable, but about engaging with strength, integrity, and accountability in public life.
Civility is what allows people with opposing views to coexist, challenge one another, and debate fiercely—without resorting to coercion, authoritarianism, or destruction. It is what ensures that governance remains possible, even when divisions run deep.
Some argue that civility is obsolete—that the only way forward is to meet political opponents with "ruthlessness, cunning, and guile," as was articulated in a recent article by The Nation's justice correspondent, Elie Mystal.
Ruthlessness. Cunning. Guile. These are the skills the Thinkers of the future need. We’re going to need wartime consiglieres: people who understand how to fight the enemy at their own game. People who can play the media like a fiddle. People who can win the crowd even while they’re losing their precious “intellectual consistency.” People who will use any means necessary, fair, or unfair, to advocate for the restoration of freedom and liberal self-government.
They take the sentiment expressed in the podcast episode by former Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed—that “You can’t ‘nice’ your way to victory”—and push it even further. They argue that democracy is a battle of power first, where the ends justify the means and civility is nothing more than a constraint for the weak.
Mayor Reed's point speaks to a frustration that many leaders feel—that toxic behavior too often goes unchecked and is rewarded with "winning". And he's right, niceness is not what it's going to take to push back and break through. We need more outspokenness—more courageous civility.
But this idea that civility is simply "niceness" is a fundamental misunderstanding of what true civility is.
The Greatest Leaders were Civil
History shows us that the greatest leaders were not ruthless manipulators, but those who combined moral courage with strategic wisdom. For example:
Abraham Lincoln, in the midst of a brutal Civil War, famously said, "Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?" He understood that governing was not simply about winning battles, but about building a nation that could endure beyond the conflict. His House Divided Speech didn't win him immediate victory, but it first transformed the consciousness of a nation, carrying him into the Presidency in 1861.
Nelson Mandela, who led South Africa out of apartheid, refused to descend into vengeance despite decades of oppression. He wielded civility as a tool of power, forging reconciliation while holding those who had upheld injustice accountable. His leadership was not soft—it was unyielding in its commitment to justice while refusing to let hatred dictate the future. Picture Mandela's first day in office as President after 27 years in prison, facing his oppressors, turned staff 📽️: VIDEO
Civility is not about being agreeable or avoiding conflict—it is about engaging in conflict productively. It does not mean surrendering or silencing oneself for the sake of politeness. It means having the strength to stand firm on principle while rejecting the tactics that undermine trust and democratic stability.
Civility is the difference between strong leadership and reckless power-seeking. It is what allows a leader to win not just an election, but the ability to govern effectively afterward. Winning by any means necessary may secure power in the short term, but it erodes legitimacy, trust, and the ability to build anything lasting.
True Civility in Action (Philadelphia)
During the podcast, I had an opportunity to point to true civility in powerful and effective action—Mayor Michael Nutter’s direct and unflinching address to the community in response to the youth flash mobs that had shaken Philadelphia. He didn’t just call for civility; he demonstrated it—speaking hard truths with a deep sense of responsibility and care.
True civility isn’t about avoiding discomfort; it’s about having the courage to tell people what they need to hear because you care about them and the community you share. His speech held families and communities accountable while reinforcing the need for strong enforcement, and it worked—his approach ended the flash mobs in Philadelphia at a time when other cities continued to struggle with them.
This is the essence of true civility—not passive politeness, but leadership that sets boundaries, demands responsibility, and cultivates the conditions for communities to thrive.
As I said in the podcast, had Mayor Nutter responded with simple niceness, rather than true civility, the consequences would have been disastrous:
Niceness is a form of agreeableness and pleasantness that you might want at a picnic, but when you're dealing with very serious issues like the flash mobs and violence, if you approach it with niceness, people are going to assume either you don't care, you're incompetent, or you don't have a plan.
We Need More Outspokenness, More Upstanders
Too many civic leaders today have not been as outspoken as they ought to be. Silence is not neutrality—it is permission.
Larry Platt nailed it when he said:
Politics at its best is an argument. It should be a civil argument, but we should be debating ideas and disagreeing instead of following dear leader.
A garden left untended does not remain neutral; it becomes overrun with weeds. Likewise, when leaders fail to call out destructive behaviors, uphold civic values, or engage directly with their communities, they create space for toxicity to thrive.
Too often, leaders hide behind administration or communications departments, issuing carefully worded press releases instead of speaking directly to the people they serve. But governance is not just about policy and procedure—it is about shaping the civic culture that allows democracy to function. When leaders retreat behind bureaucracy instead of confronting incivility head-on, they are not staying neutral—they are allowing incivility to take root.
Civic leaders are not just policymakers—they are culture shapers.
Civility is not passive—it is an active commitment to shaping the environment where democracy can survive. If leaders are unwilling to engage, set the tone, and hold people accountable, they leave a void that toxic forces will fill.
Now is the time for bold leadership. Leaders must not just enforce civility but actively cultivate it—calling out destructive behavior, resetting civic norms, and creating the conditions where democracy can thrive. Without this commitment, governance will continue to erode.
We cannot afford to be passive observers. The time to reclaim civic culture is now.
🎧 Tune into my conversation with Mayors Nutter & Reed on How to Really Run a City.
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