This Thanksgiving week, a provocative letter to the editor in The Salt Lake Tribune rejects the idea of civility and instead says "we need more hatred", claiming “civility gets us nowhere.”
It further asserts that civility enables harm and calls for outright rejection of the “kumbaya era of the left.” Its sharp, forceful rhetoric and timing—on the eve of a holiday centered on gratitude and connection—stand in stark contrast to the values Thanksgiving embodies.
This holiday offers a moment to reflect on the values that hold us together: gratitude, connection, and community. Yet, for many, Thanksgiving also highlights the deep divides that separate us.
About one-third (32%) of adults report that political differences have strained family relationships, and nearly as many (30%) have limited time spent with loved ones who don’t share their values. These fractures challenge the very purpose of Thanksgiving—a celebration of shared humanity and gratitude.
As U.S. family and friends gather this weekend, there is an opportunity to reclaim civility—not as mere politeness, but as an act of strength and healing. Civility doesn’t mean avoiding conflict or compromising on principles. It means engaging with integrity, empathy, and a vision for a better future.
Thanksgiving invites us to practice this strength and to reorient ourselves toward hope and connection in a time of division.
Rejecting “both-siderism” without rejecting civility
The letter’s rejection of civility is rooted in a common critique: that it tolerates harmful ideas by treating all perspectives as equally valid—a dangerous moral equivalence often called “both-siderism.”
This critique is important because civility should never mean neutrality in the face of injustice. As Holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel once reminded us, “Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.” Civility, then, must not mean silence.
Rejecting both-siderism means understanding that certain ideas—such as racism, authoritarianism, or misogyny—are inherently unjust and cannot be treated as morally equivalent to positions rooted in fairness and justice.
The letter misses that rejecting neutrality does not require embracing hatred.
Civility enables us to reject harmful ideologies with moral precision and an unshakable commitment to truth. It empowers us to dismantle systems of harm without resorting to the tactics we condemn.
True civility is not about making peace with injustice but about refusing to become what we oppose.
Civility and justice are not opposed
To those who argue that civility enables injustice, it is important to clarify: civility is not about silence or neutrality. It is about how we confront injustice.
Civility demands action—it requires us to speak out against harm, to challenge oppressive systems, and to hold people accountable. But it also insists that we do so without losing sight of our shared humanity or resorting to the tactics we denounce.
The most enduring movements for justice have been rooted in this principle. They have been led by individuals who refused to let hatred dictate their path. These leaders understood that true transformation requires more than opposition—it requires a vision of the world we want to build.
As Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. so powerfully stated, “Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” Love, in this context, is not passive but active—it is the fierce determination to create a society grounded in dignity, fairness, and compassion.
When we let hatred guide our actions, we abandon these principles that form the basis of a just society.
Civility, properly understood, is not weakness. It is the disciplined courage to confront wrongs with integrity and resolve.
Civility is the refusal to mirror the malice of those who oppose us.
True civility is an act of strength—it challenges us to engage conflict without being consumed by it. It allows us to stand firmly for what is right while holding space for the humanity of others.
This enduring principle reminds us that the means by which we seek justice shape the ends we achieve.
Healing at the table
The Thanksgiving table, with all its quirks and complexities, offers a microcosm of society. It brings together people with shared bonds but differing perspectives. It challenges us to navigate conversations that can feel fraught but also provides an opportunity for healing.
Imagine approaching the table not with fear of disagreement but with curiosity and a desire to connect.
Civility doesn’t mean avoiding difficult topics; it means engaging with respect and a willingness to listen. It means seeking common ground where it exists and agreeing to disagree where it does not.
This practice of civility in personal spaces can ripple outward, strengthening our ability to engage constructively in the broader civic sphere.
A Thanksgiving call to action—healing through courageous civility
This Thanksgiving let's embrace gratitude as a guide and civility as a practice. Let us reject hatred, not because we deny the existence of injustice, but because hatred offers no solutions.
Thanksgiving invites us to turn the table on division. It asks us to bring not only our grievances but also our hopes to the conversation. Together, with humility and grace, we can honor the spirit of the holiday—not just in word, but in action—and build a future that reflects its promise.
For more on why Hatred is A Threat To Democracy, see my article and televised interview on TV Ontario called Can Angry People Be Good Citizens?
Well, I can see several quotes from this I need to lift and share on social media to give people in my sphere a gentle nudge. Soon I will begin my first ever term as a city councilor of a medium sized city, and these words give me support for my approach, which bear very close resemblance to that described herein.
Thank you, as always, for reminding me I am not alone in this quest, even though it often feels that way.